Self Destructive

Good morning Z,

When I think about why I created this ‘outlet’ for my little anonymous feelings regarding what we shared, I am glad. Although I don’t write here daily, or even weekly and it is sporadic, I still have this to fall back on and I think that it helps me in some strange way.

Like I have stated before, I have good days and bad, and I mostly do just fine. It’s not as painful as it used to be, I have made peace with the fact that our earthly lives moved in opposite directions. I understand that it was just the way things were meant to be for now.

Still, sometimes I engage in what I think of as self-destructive behavior. I don’t want to, really, but at the same time I take some odd pleasure in it. By doing so, I think I am filling a void, or substituting some pieces of you that I can’t let go of with whatever I can. It’s like I am trying to find in others what I lost in you so long ago. Reality is that this isn’t possible. I’ll never be able to replace those qualities or experiences by searching within others.

We make our own realities and we are at the helm of our own wheel of life, controlling which directions we go. If we crash into an iceberg and lose control, it is our own fault. I know these things. I take responsibility for everything I have ever done to myself.

What can I say, I am a work in progress, but I’ll never give up. Even so, I’ll still never forget you, or ever regret you.

Hope you are happy today.

Love,
Me