July 3, 1997
Dearest Z,
I have thought, and thought about what to write to you at this moment for months. I guess I’ve never really settled on it, but what you’re about to read is the best I can possibly do now. On that note, I guess I’ll say that this is a Thank You, Hello, Goodbye, Thinking of You, Miss You… I guess many cards all in one letter.
I was always taught to give thanks first, and I thank God every day that he made you and put you in this world, and feel so lucky to have shared at least a brief moment of my life with you. You’ll never know how much joy you brought to me, even with just a smile.
We must have known this moment would come eventually, which only demonstrates my philosophy that life is so terribly short. If you blink too long, you can miss a lot of great moments. I never want to regret not doing things in my life I wanted to experience. I don’t regret mine with you, if it was real.
Maybe it was all just a beautiful dream I had. But what I do regret is the great loss I will have to bear; that being the loss of your gorgeous, warm smile, the depth and beauty in your eyes, your friendship that I’ve held so dear. We kid ourselves by denying that has been destroyed. I can read in your eyes that I’ll never see you again, and that hurts me greatly.
The touch of your hand, and the warmth of your heart, having held it so close for that one moment was as close to paradise as anything I’ve felt. One day you’ll know that no one will ever see in your eyes, or your heart the brilliance or beauty that I’ve seen in you. That bright, strong heart and mind of yours. Please, please don’t waste it. You are capable of SO much!!
I wish this wasn’t an end for our friendship, but I’ve come to know you a little, and I see that it will be. Just know that there will not be a day that goes by for the rest of my life that I don’t think of you. Truly, I wish I didn’t feel like a stranger… that is to say, a stranger in my own heart… and in yours.
Well, I know you’ve gone through so much and that you’ve got some “righteous” opinion of it all, but one day you’re going to realize that it goes much deeper than that, and so do you. There are a lot of friends that I have lost due to death, relocation, many factors, but I’d hoped you would not be one of them. That’s life though, right?
LIFE… It certainly is short, I’ll say it again, but I’m glad you passed through mine while you did, because it shined much brighter for a little while. You are a human work of art. I just hope you remember me, if you listen to our tapes, and remember all I’ve said in letters. Though I know how fast I will fade, but I can hope, right?
I can’t tell you how much I’m going to miss you… already miss you. There are no words that can really express it, and I’d never get down on paper everything in my “big heart” as you say. So let me leave you with this poem (one of many you inspire). Thanks once again for all you’ve given to me Z. 
“I had a dream yesterday…
it was sweet and warm, tender,
like the calm after a storm.
My dream was so real…
you could almost feel
the touch of your lips,
the heat in your eyes.
Oh imagine my surprise
when my dream came true
my arms were holding you.
Was it really me?
My hand in yours?
Palm to palm,
heart to heart…
never knew how quickly
my world could fall apart.
But it had all come true,
Reality-Me and You.
When morning came, I cried;
my heart was gone.
It must have found a greater home.
If only it had taken me
to the place where dreams run free
and dreamers dance all through the night
on rooftops and in skies
filled with fantastic realms of light.
But sitting here now, lucidly
trying to hold on
to my very last tear…
and darkness feeling so very near;
The morning has broken me from my dream,
now you are no longer here.
What I know as the last touch of your hand
or warmth that you’ve shown, is gone
yet strangely, I feel I am not alone…
You’ve been the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.”
Lastly, my apologies if I offended you in anything I’ve said, but I had to let you know these things upon my departure… Never forget that I am always here for you. I promise my friendship forever, for whenever you need it (Just listen to your song). Best of luck to you, I mean that. I only want your happiness.
Love always,
Me
PS: You always know how to find me, I’ll be there. Though I know you can’t return the favor.
Still, sometimes I engage in what I think of as self-destructive behavior. I don’t want to, really, but at the same time I take some odd pleasure in it. By doing so, I think I am filling a void, or substituting some pieces of you that I can’t let go of with whatever I can. It’s like I am trying to find in others what I lost in you so long ago. Reality is that this isn’t possible. I’ll never be able to replace those qualities or experiences by searching within others.
